The Heimlich Maneuver Would Be Better If It Was More About Sexiness And Less About Choking On Food
We’ve all seen the poster. Outline Man hugging Outline Woman. His arms wrapped tightly around her from behind, pulling her closer to him, close against his body. Her lips are parted. The anticipation is almost unbearable; you could cut the sexual tension with a knife. A knife that she should’ve used to cut her steak into much smaller pieces.
Is this a scene from my last super-hot date? A hint of the adults-only version yet to come? No. This is… the Heimlich Maneuver, the world’s hottest maneuver that isn’t listed in the Urban Dictionary. It brings the sexy back to choking on food. Or, if you’re into auto-erotic asphyxiation, it’s just sort of like a big hug.
I see a lot of these Heimlich posters, since I tend to stare at the walls in restaurants as I eat alone because I live in Queens and no one will come visit me, and I’m often struck by the weirdly sexual nature of them. Not that my mind hasn’t progressed any since the sixth grade, but once you get the idea in your head in the first place it’s hard to get it out. I find it amusing that with all the calls to ban ‘grinding’ on the dance floors of high schools everywhere, almost every restaurant I’ve ever been in has what might appear to be instructions on how to do it doggy-style.
Also, this one made me think that, according to the conventions of mid-sixties Fantastic Four comic book art, she has INVISIBLE BOOBS.
For what it’s worth, invisible boobs are still good boobs.
Ick! You’re a twisted man, Retro ;-)
Not that’s there’s anything wrong with that.
Oh, honey….Stop reading those signs.
These are instructions on how to do it doggie style badly. Fully standing doggie style doesn’t allow for deep enough penetration to be fully satisfying for either partner. Now, if you find yourself in the kitchen or a largish bathroom where there are waist-high countertops and you modify your standing doggie into a wheelbarrow:(http://www.sexinfo101.com/sp_wheelbarrow.shtml), then you might be on the right track for something interesting.
Um, er, how’s the weather up there? How about those Yankees?
Your sex tips are breaking my HTML.
Sorry.
“invisible boobs are still good boobs”
I love you, man.
*HIGH FIVE*
Is the middle one an example of necrophiliac standing doggy-style? It looks as though the auto-erotic asphyxiation may have gone too far in that one.
Maybe it was just a really good one.
did you notice that the guy in the first diagram looks quite a bit like john f. kennedy?
Maybe I should start choking more.
If I pretend to choke on biscotti during a coffee date, would you pretend to Heimlich me?
If you promise not to sue.
I never considered the sexual connotations of trying to save someone’s life until now.
I’m sure if you save a babe’s life, she’ll want to sleep with you, invisible boobs or no, right?
Dude, I so have a joke to tell you. You MUST call soon!
Isn’t this what got Michael Hutchins a gig opening for Kurt Cobain