I Am So Awesome
In my lifetime, I’ve been accused many times of having problems with self-esteem. SOME PEOPLE have recently said that if there’s one thing that’s true about me, it’s that I’m self-deprecating. But to that, I say…
…NO MORE!
Because today and from now on, I AM AWESOME.
And I’m not just saying this facetiously. This isn’t a one-post pony. This is grade-A, here-for-the-duration, staying-the-course awesomeness. It hit me like a bolt of lightning this morning: a sign — a sign that I am clearly destined for great things. I would like to share this with you. If you have a weak heart or low blood sugar or are afraid of pure unadulterated kickassity, I recommend you avert your gaze immediately. Are you ready?
In a feat that can only be performed naturally (sans special effects trickery) perhaps one in a million times, by perhaps one in a million awesome people, I completed the ultimate, incomparable deed:
TEARING A SNICKERS WRAPPER
JUST LIKE IN THE COMMERCIALS
Before today, I thought that the only way to tear a Snickers wrapper glamourously straight across was to involve scissors or something outside the laws of physics, like time warps. Usually candy bar wrappers are completely destroyed as they’re torn open haphazardly, the plastic tearing along mysterious and random lines in an uncontrollable manner. As far as my un-awesome self was concerned, the Perfect Tear was a thing, like supermodel orgies, that only occurred on TV or in George Clooney’s house. I WAS WRONG. All it took was the epiphany that I, much like Mr. Clooney, am awesome.
In case this hasn’t sunk in yet, here’s a publicity shot from the Snickers people:
Now here’s mine again:
The only real difference is that they tore it open at the very tip (or were using a special, super-long wrapper) so that they could still keep the whole name of the product in full view. That’s not impossible to do with your bare hands, but it’s pretty impractical for someone that’s actually going to eat the chocolate bar inside. If I tore the wrapper that high up, I’d still have to shake or pull the Snickers bar out of the wrapper. What I am saying is this: MY WAY IS MORE AWESOME.
Seriously, if this is not proof enough that I am ranking in the single digits of the Most-Awesome list, I simply don’t know what else I could do to convince you. Phooey on the non-believers, I say. I am awesome, and I am here to stay.
Also, my penis is huge.
A huge penis? Alright, possibly overrated. An exquisitly opened Snickers bar? Awesome goodness, never overrated.
I was wondering when you might make that phallic connection.
The last thing I want to do is knock your “awesomeness” but, I have to say that I think the one with the SNICKERS brand label still in tact is a bit more awesome than a candy bar that says CKERS.
Why is “awesomeness” in quotes there?
I’m very happy for you. On all um fronts.
I know you put great effort into this. You are awesome. Your penis is awesome. So I have heard.
Fringes, I think you just landed yourself a spot in the randomized message section.
“You are awesome. Your penis is awesome.” — Fringes
Alright, now stand a dime up on it’s edge? I will follow accordingly…
Did you do this while you were visiting George Clooney’s house, and is there an olympic sport relating to this so that you might get a medal for your awesomeness? As far as your large penis is concerned, you might be able to star in a movie or two.
You are correct. It would take two movies to properly feature my penis.
I am going to make more penis jokes from now on, if only for the awkward comments.
My first quotable quote! I feel like Oprah. Without the billions.
To my great shock and “awe,” awesomeness is in fact a word: http://www.m-w.com/dictionary/awesomeness
You’ll have to excuse me, but I have spent the afternoon trying to find out if “overfatness” is a word. According to Merriam Webster, it is not. According to the fitness journal I’m editing, it is.
According to your increased intake of Snickers, it just might be.
I’ve already shared my thoughts re: your awesome penis. As far as the wrapper goes, I prefer it ripped at “CKERS,” because then I can ignore corporate brand identity and imagine that it originally said “FUCKERS.” I would eat a “FUCKERS” candy bar anyday. “Horny? Why wait?”
Welcome to the club, my friend. It is a great responsibility being awesome, but I believe you are up to the task. While sometimes, being awesome can be a burden (trust me on this), a strong ego can overcome these times.
And having a huge penis rules, doesn’t it?
* HIGH FIVE *
Oh, Retropolitan–you’re not just awesome: you’re TEH AWESOME!
But c’mon, enough with the penis already. You’re always going on about “My penis this,” “My penis that,” “My penis dated Marlene Dietrich,” “My penis was nominated for a Tony for the revival of Equus,” etc. Dude, I’ve already got, like, FOUR penis blogs (plogs) in my RSS reader; another one would just be overkill.
I don’t believe it. It’s simply not possible. Time travel would be more plausible. Really.
I hope you’re talking about the Snickers.
Wow how exciting! …about the snickers wrapper. wait, no, all of it. definitely all of it. I’m gonna go buy a bunch of snickers now and try to duplicate your results.
i laughed!
i cried!
i clapped with both hands!
and now i’m begging for a plog, and a penis to go with it.
I’m gonna go buy a bunch of snickers now and try to duplicate your results.
I doubt that buying Snickers will give you a huge penis, but if it does, please let me know. Although, truth be told, I’m more of a Three Musketeers man myself, even though that sounds very gay and, uh, painful.
One time in high-school, someone threw a wad of paper at my head. It whizzed by my eyes, but I never flinched and just kept walking, much to the amazement of my classmates.
I was convinced, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I was a ninja.
haha i certainly hope it doesn’t considering that would make me a hermaphrodite. but it might if you put the snickers down your pants. then what girl wouldn’t want to blow you?!
Don, I’d stay away from traffic if I were you.
BUT I’M A NINJA, DAMMIT!!
Goodness gracious.
How comes that, for some reason, I have the strong suspicion that WHEREVER IT IS YOU LIVE the bars of mighty Snickers are LARGER than in good ole Europe?
Well, this IS America. We’re incapable of producing food items that aren’t at least three times larger than necessary.