Hexed
Not too long ago, I mentioned that I was becoming an Incredible Shrinking Man. For the past six months, I’ve been steadily losing weight, thanks to a vegetarian diet and my medicine, and for a while it was good; I needed to lose some of the weight that I’d gained over the past several years. On the other hand, I can’t seem to stop.
I suspect: a gypsy curse!
Actually, it’s probably the diet, no matter how awesome I think it would be to have a real gypsy curse. If I was cursed, you would know it. I would bring it up constantly. I’d mingle at parties, showing off the size of my hex, using my cursed status to entice the thrill-seeking ladies. If I was especially lucky, I’d get that thing where a bloody pentagram appeared on my palm, which would be useful in getting out of meetings and stuff. At the very least, I wouldn’t have to shake anyone’s hand, and I could make pained faces all the time for maximum emo effect. Tortured soul, indeed.
Unfortunately, I have not — to my knowledge — been cursed, but I’m becoming skinny anyway. Thanks to my journey to the Orient, only two of my friends have actually seen me in the past four or five months, so most people don’t realize that I’m quickly turning into a more talkative version of Lurch. I’m pale and thin and tall, and I wear tuxedos and bring people drinks, so I guess the comparison is apt.
All this has got me wondering: should I go back to eating meat? Will that stave off my imminent demise? Should the poultry and cattle of the world begin to tremble in fear?
I dunno. It’s either that or the silver bullet thing. I’d prefer a medium-rare cure.
Nik nak. Sorry, that’s still funny.
Another funny thing is the human body. Once you get started losing weight and your body is going along with that plan? It doesn’t like to stop. I did Weight Watchers a few years back, and after losing 30 pounds, it was hella easy to lose another 10. Of course, by that time Rick was calling me “Callista,” so I hopped off the WW bandwagon and ate some Cheetos.
It’s awful that the body momentum thing also works in reverse…waaay too easy to gain weight back once your body’s on that wavelength.
Mmmmmmmmmmm. Meat.*
*Comment to be taken in whichever way is least appropriate. Hee hee hee.
You can’t begin to comprehend all the Halloween candy that I’ve eaten in the last few weeks. And not a pound of it kept.
You know, that comment is designed to make women everywhere attempt to *actually* hex you.
SWEET.
Can somebody give me the pentagram palm thing? Anyone?
NO NO NO WAIT
WOLF-MAN!
If you’re gonna go back to eating meat, I suggest starting with a carne asada burrito. I could be a vegetarian if not for those.
Dude. There’s nothing like a slab of rare prime rib. And let’s be honest: the cow’s not using it anyway, at this point. After the black patent leather shoes, there’s no sense letting the rest go to waste.
I wish I could send you some of my spare tire, Retro.
Where is Maria Ouspenskiya when you need her?
Gold clap for Don, for a werewolf reference so obscure even I had to look it up.
You should’ve said “Oscar-nominated actress” Maria Ouspenskaya. Then we all would’ve immediately said, “a-HA” in recognition.
So, if you waste away to nothing, will you really just shrink into a subatomic universe where you’ll be gigantic in comparison to the miniscule denizens of that nether world? That would be totally cool!
Dude, get yourself hexed and I will totally make out with you. No telling what a bloody palm pentagram will get you…
What about, like, a red magic marker pentagram?
No dice.
You’re playing hard-to-get.
I know my werewolf lore…
but not my spelling (OuspenskAya… damn)