And Also Other Parts of the Earth
Normally I like to keep Tales to Astonish running at a relatively PG-13 level. It’s not completely family-friendly, but it’s a long way from being investigated by Senator Santorum, and that’s how I like it. My motto is: if Robert Benchley didn’t need to discuss anal sex, I probably don’t either. Then again, he didn’t have a blog.
But that rating’s going to change for a minute. For just this post, we’re taking a brief sojourn into somewhat X-rated material, because last night I found something that amused me greatly.
Over the past two years, I like to think that I’ve gotten to know some of you pretty well, which is why I know that most of you have dirtygutterminds. That’s why I feel no need to explicitly explain the matter of felching to you. If you don’t already know what it is, never rode on a schoolbus, and have no access to a video store, this is the perfect opportunity to find out.
I was reading the Wikipedia entry on “felching” last night, and — while the near-clinical explanation of it was entertaining enough — I found the last paragraph to be especially amusing, with the second sentence making me giggle for hours:
“Felching, as it is known today, began possibly hundreds of years ago, with references found in KamaSutra and other ancient texts. Though lost to the world in many ways, it was a common practice in Sodom and Gomorrah and also other parts of the earth. The actual use of this act was contraception and not pleasure, as is believed widely. Rich men and lords of ancient years did not wish to see several illegitimate children around the small cities, towns or villages they lived in as it would be public embarrassment. They used eunuchs and slaves, often captured from defeated kingdoms and principalities, for the act. Once they had discharged semen into their mistresses, the slave would be left to suck and lap it up and prevent the woman from conceiving. The sucked-up discharge, as myths went, would decide where in the owner’s echelons, the slave fits. This led to ‘snowballing’ as each slave wanted a drop of his master’s discharge and rise in favor. In modern days, felching is common in some countries of the Far East, as a normal act and not for porn.”
Someone’s obviously been doing research for their thesis, “Biblical References to the Lost Art of Felching in Hypothetical Cities and Parts of Earth Other Than Them.”
I have no better tag to give this than “True Romance!”
EDIT: You know why I think it makes me laugh? Because I can hear Leonard Nimoy’s voice reading it, like it was a whole episode of “In Search of…” That would’ve been a good episode.
Hat-tip to Miss Syl, for sharing the joy of looking up fun stuff like this on Wikipedia.
I would love to have heard Leonard Nimoy talk about fleching on In Search Of… It would have made my childhood so much more interesting. What does Wikipedia say about Rimming?
My biology lessons suggest that this is not a particularly effective method of birth control. Neither is the aged, but still HAWTT,(with two Ts) Mr Nimoy. MRrrrAWr.
And thus a whole new yet previously undiscovered layer of Julie’s innocence was destroyed. I had no idea what felching was. Now I know, and knowing is half the battle.
You’ll have to look that one up for yourself, Scruffy.
Damn! I thought you were going to say that. It’s so much more fun when you do it for us and then give us the Leonard Nimoy visuals to go along with.
INT. IN SEARCH OF… SET
LEONARD NIMOY stands in front of huge, enlarged photograph of someone’s ass.
NIMOY (looking directly into the camera):
It was an ancient art form, practiced thousands of years ago all over the world.
He takes a step closer to the photographic backdrop.
NIMOY:
It was as common as flossing…until one day, the practice died out, and was lost to the world for centuries.
Now he’s right in front of the ass backdrop.
NIMOY:
Today, we go in search of…
He slaps his palm on one of the ass cheeks.
NIMOY:
…rimming.
Ahem. Just because Robert Benchley didn’t discuss anal sex doesn’t mean he didn’t “need to.”
He might have needed to discuss it very badly. And didn’t have the freedom to. Look how far we’ve come then.
Anyway, it’s best to remember that Wikipedia is a public, open-source project, and that last paragraph you quoted from makes me highly suspicious that some crackpot contributed and no one caught it.
But the rest of it, well…
I’d just like to know what’s the best type of straw to use for such purposes. Swizzle? Bendy? Bubble tea straw?
I’m thinking it’s one of these:
STRAWS
MY EYES!!! They burn!!!
Excuse me while I go douce my brain….
I would imagine a straw that whistles would be most appropriate.
THIS made me start laughing: “This page is about the sexual activity. For the town, see Felch Township, Michigan”
Yeesh… words fail me.
Thank you for that but now you’re just encouraging me to think of other wildly inappropriate things to make Leoanrd Nimoy discuss on the alternate universe version of In Search Of…
Alternate universe? You are apparently not watching the same “Lost Episodes” DVDs that I am, my friend.
Wait, wait, I don’t get it. Is this an uncommon practice or something? We felch all the time up here. In fact, I’m felching right now. That reminds me, I need to floss.
You must be really good at multitasking.
I guess you really do learn something new everyday!! I never really gave the meaning of felching a thought – could be today’s topic at the gym!
You probably have more Netflix options in NY than we do here.
“monkeymaker”
Can I steal that name? I’d trade you for mr. lady…
Look closer at the spelling, Mr. Lady.
I’d actually never heard of that before. And it was all like “how interesting”, until you mentioned Leonard Nimoy doing it on In Search Of and then I cracked up. I used to watch that show all the time. That would have been hysterical!
Yes Mr. Lady, you can use “monkeymaker” since that’s not my moniker. It also looks a lot like moneymaker. My name is actually much more obscure and stupid.
Damn, now I wish it was moneymaker. I’ll think that over while I’m felching tonight.
**gack**
God, those poor eunichs.
Now THERE is a visual I definitely could have lived without!
I’m think I’m gonna hurl ;-)
Hey, nothing to do with your post but…remember when I tried to send you a cartoon ages ago but it was just too big to mail? Here is the link!
LINK
I had never, ever heard of felching before… and now I kinda wish I would wipe this newfound knowledge from my brain!
Oh my God, I cannot believe your post today is about felching!! Two nights ago my wife and I went to an extremely funny parody of the old “Match Game” TV show which was a benefit for the Gay and Lesbian Center here in L.A. They had excellent actors portraying the likes of Charles Nelson Reilly, Shelley Winters, Ricardo Montalban, Goldie Hawn, etc. (Oh, the Virgin Mary was also a panelist.) Several of the panelists and contestants used the word “felching” in their answers which always produced gales of laughter from the crowd. Kendall and I kept looking at each other clueless. What the hell is “felching?” For two days I kept meaning to look it up on the Internet but I kept delaying my research, afraid of what I would find. THANK YOU for helping me avoid some really scary websites.