Arch-Enemies
This morning, as my cloaked form swiftly darted between the shadows of Manhattan’s towers, I was suddenly stopped in my tracks; I had accidentally made eye contact with that most nefarious fellow, my nameless arch-enemy. Even after a year since our last encounter, his fiery glare betrayed his still-burning hatred for me.
It might surprise some of you that I actually have an arch-enemy. Others among you are probably wondering where to get in line to express your own burning hatred of me. If you’re one of those people, be assured I’ll get around to each and every one of you in due time. But the fact remains: I came into contact with HIM this morning. HIM works at Dunkin Donuts near where I work, and he is the only food industry employee I’ve ever gotten into a heated argument with. You see, he gave me a latte.
A latte.
But I didn’t order a latte. I ordered a large coffee. The same thing that I ordered from HIM every single weekday at the same time every single day for nearly eleven months. But, he argued in his oddly venomous voice, he very clearly heard me ask for a latte. We were fortunate that none of the witnesses to our tremendous clash called the police. And so, on that fateful morning when our special coffeemaker/consumer bond was bitterly snapped in two, we knew we would be forever locked together in hate and loathing. Although I was a loyal and dedicated Dunkin Donuts man, I walked out and never looked back — until our eyes met this morning, and he issued a defiant stare, as if to say, “Come in and order your pathetic coffee — and see what you receive!”
So, tempting fate, I pushed aside the heavy glass door and made my way down the narrow, Arabica-scented corridor. He smiled that I had accepted his challenge, baring his fanged and crooked teeth. I looked HIM dead in the eye, and said, “I’ll have a–” and then before he could react I quickly turned to his attentive coworker and finished with, “– large regular coffee, milk and sugar, please.” I smiled charmingly at the woman, who fastidiously gave me exactly what I ordered.
As I turned and left, my dark cloak swirling around me and fanning the smell of the fresh-roasted beans in my large coffee, I noticed him crushing the special latte cup he had been secretly concealing behind the counter. I smiled and sent forth a mirthless laughter that neither he, nor the other customers (especially the one with the baby), will ever forget.
Ah, the bitter scent of revenge.
I can just picture it now. Outstanding!
I must warn you, cloaked man — also do not accept a smoothie from that place. It is NOT. GOOD.
writer block does this?
No, it was actually the caffeine.
Of course you have an arch-nemesis. You are The Retropolitan. What kind of retro, film-noir, gumshoe, pulp fiction kind of man would you be without an arch-nemesis?
Nice going, BTW! I loved the way you foiled his evil plot to emasculate your morning caffine fix.
You stole my word prompt. We are now arch-enemies. Or maybe, you know, kindred spirits. Whichever.
Oh, REVENGE. (This is me, running for my Webster’s. And my DSM IV.) Naturally, it is stupid of your arch foe to not recognize the MANY DIVERSE WAYS in which a ‘latte’ differs from a ‘large coffee with milk and sugar’.
***Warning: this post may confuse and dumbfound the irony-impaired***
Oh, this is not really related, but wanted to tell you Doug and I watched Kiss Kiss Bang Bang this weekend, and we LOVED it. And saw immeditely why you also loved it. But really, it was hilarious. “Whitey the Knight. It could have been worse, like if we called him Knighty Knight. Then, before you know it, he’s ‘Toodles’ or ‘Ta-Ta’.”
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means, pt 2…
The Retropolitan’s take on revenge. Arch-enemies everywhere: beware…….
i have these same kinds of battles between good (me) and evil (them) everyday when I’m driving. A lot of times, I don’t even know what my nemesis looks like. Some people like to refer to it as road rage, but I think it’s much more than that. In my head, the safety of the world is at stake for God’s sake
I’m glad someone else finally saw KKBB. That makes four of us.
If it makes you feel better, I think we convinced three of my friends to Netflix it last night.
The sarcasm is delicious.
No donut?
Low-calorie diet. Except for the coffee.
if this is an australian blog, this will be the point where everybody talk of big brother.
caffeine does this.
A latte is a beautiful thing, as is a large regular at Dunkie’s. However the lattes at Dunkin Donut are so bad that anyone who gives one to you EVEN IF YOU HAVE ORDERED IT should be declared an arch-enemy. Considering he foisted one upon you against your will… well, I’m surprised you allowed him to survive into this antry.
Also coffee makes you poo, so I expect a followup…
Are not the terms “regular” and “with milk and sugar” synonymous? Were you redundant before your arch enemy? Perish the thought!
Blog’s doing well, I see. Nice look.
I meant “regular” in the sense that it was not to be flavored, like I frequently get. I often get blueberry or raspberry.
Seriously, Dunkin Donuts blueberry coffee is good.
[...] Thinking ahead to my eventual demise at the climax of my life, as my arch-enemy and I grip each other’s throats as we tumble off of Reichenbach Falls, I can’t think of a single good photograph of myself that I’d want used as a visual summation of my entire lifetime. Even my baby pictures and photos from adolescence were either horribly unflattering or filled with shame and guilt as my parents fastidiously recorded every indignity they could manage. My self-portraits aren’t all that good, or are of someone else. [...]