Everyone Should Be Mediocre
After incredible amounts of real-life research by myself and several teen magazines, it’s become clear that there’s a real problem facing the dating class in this country:
Some people are actually too good for us.
In the recent months, I’ve been out and about (non-creepily) patrolling popular New York hotspots for my next true love, or at the very least my next future ex-girlfriend. Initially, I thought that I was doing pretty well. I was meeting many interesting people, and I believe that there were some numbers exchanged on several occasions. This was the point in my investigation where I learned that a lot of women have phone numbers with only five or six digits. Around that same time, I also found out the truth about Ryan Seacrest.
I ended up around veritable mobs of gorgeous people, some of them so beautiful that I instantly knew that my scripted opening line about Lex Luthor would fail. So, as I sat on the sidelines and watched beautiful men successfully hit on the beautiful women, it occurred to me: dating would be so much easier if everyone just kind of let themselves go. If everyone were perfectly mediocre, the dating options would seem virtually limitless, and everyone could rely less on raw animal attraction and more on stuff like who can juggle the most apples at once. Because statistically speaking, even mediocre people have at least one interesting talent.
And I’m not just talking about being outrageously good-looking, either; some of these people had the audacity to be really nice. I have rarely felt worse than the time when I met a stunning girl at a gallery and she turned out to spend her weekends mending the broken legs of wounded birds. Fuck that, I say. Saturdays are for catching up on the first season of “Lost.” And maybe blogging or something.
My plea for the attractive, talented, and sweet single people of the world is simple: cut it out. Seriously. You’re hurting my game. When I go out on the weekends, I want a woman to refuse to date me for who I am inside, not for which hot celebrity I don’t look like, or what kind of charity work I don’t do because I’m secretly frightened of hospitals. I have a sneaking suspicion that if people on average were less awesome, everyone would get laid more.
That would be a beautiful world, my friends.
To be fair, “Lost” IS a pretty good show and there will ALWAYS be injured birds whereas there are only so many episodes of “Lost”.
Keep at it though, and I’m sure you’ll find the woman that will happily make your retro heart beat faster. And I’m betting she won’t be mediocre.
Oh, and apparently – according to Heather at least – I look like Philip Seymour Hoffman. Luckily for me she likes that look. Personally, I can’t think about him without picturing his character in “Happiness”.
I always pictured you more as a young, Errol Flynn type.
I try to stay away from overly conventionally attractive men – they make me look bad. I just can’t handle the competition.
And you may want to stay away from the bird leg fixers. They’ll be the first ones to go when the Avian Flu hits.
This may explain why stupid ugly people seem to have so many uncontrolled unwashed unlovable illegitimate children. They’re getting laid more.
Oh, a beutiful world, yes indeedee.
I guess what I really meant to say is that it would be a beautiful world if I got laid more.
I’ve always been of the opinion that overly beautiful, highly attractive women were not good enough for me. I’m sure I would just tire of thier shallow good looks after a while. Not to mention if they weren’t smart enough to approach me first, then obviously they weren’t intelligent enough for me.
Of course, this could explain why I had such a poor social life.
As a last resort, I suggest you get a guitar, learn E, A, D, and G. You will then be able to claim to play just like Malcomn Young from AC/DC and not need to have that much talent. Rockstar, here you come!
I should just get a guitar, and tell women that it’s broken and I can’t play anything for them, but I would if I could. I’d still have the ROCK STAR AURA.
Beautiful people are only good for producing beautiful kids. What matters more is if the girl you pick is someone who can make you laugh when you’re 80.
Dude, what did I tell you about going to Chelsea? Also avoid the Upper West Side, as snobby daters seem to congregate there. Actually, avoid SoHo as well. And trendy bars. Find a nice dive bar (and by nice, I do NOT mean Rudy’s in Hell’s Kitchen, gah!), and there are sure to be normal women there.
I picked Rick up in a dive bar in Hell’s Kitchen. Of course, it was after I cast him in a reading and we had known each other through the theater for a while, but I have a great affinity for dive bars because of it.
But that’s the thing… all of my firneds that are women (all 3 of them) actually like dorkie guys. we DIG you guys. It’s just that you, in general, would never approach us. Not to say that we are the most attractive women out there – but we are cute. (hell you dated one of the 3 and man she’s beautiful) We are out there. You just have to do some sifting.
man i should use spell check
I think that THIS POST will help explain our failure to approach.
Yes, women need to find a man that they find attractive. But that doesn’t mean he needs to be a J. Crew model. Really really good looking guys make me so nervous I pee myself a little. Also, I could never date one because I’d find myself unable to trust them. I’d also be sure that they’ll find another girl any day now, and I just can’t put myself up for that kind of torture. And you know, clothes make the man. So if you think you’re not attractive enough, just dress HOTLY and we’ll give you a chance.
I don’t think I’ve ever made anyone pee themselves a little. At least not due to my attractiveness.
You make me pee myself a little. Of course, I probably shouldn’t say that. Oh well.
Well, that was because I dipped your hand into warm water.
You should go to the Karma reading on Sunday — my cousin has some cute friends — plus, they are writers. Plus, they smoke.
try thailand. or here. i’m sure you’ll score a lot better
Last night a guy, who was behaving as though he were smitten with me (and perhaps he was, who am I to judge?) went out of his way to me that he doesn’t go for ‘conventional beauty’.
He is not the first to offer me this type of information — and I, rarely short on comeback, have never formulated just the right response.
But all I think is, are you freaking kidding me? Did you just tell me that it’s okay with you that I’m not pretty like pretty people, because YOU approve the less-than?
Water seeks its own level and all that… but telling me that is NOT the way to woo me!
I made out with his way hotter bass playing friend. (I was going to anyway, but it made it that much sweeter.)
Hi, sorry, I’ve never been in here before, and that was quite a lot for me to spew as first timer! Great blog.
Let’s see… now my mind is trying to come up with a good comeback to the ‘conventional beauty’ line.
And welcome!
Thanks. Seriously, let me know. I get it all the time, like it’s a compliment and NOT an insult. It takes me from feeling all hot and confident to feeling fat and antagonistic (I know, I know, fat is not a feeling) in like two seconds.
This is the coolest looking page. Ever. But you know that.
Re: “conventional beauty” comebacks–
Perhaps something along the lines of “Well, we all have our likes and dislikes. I myself have never gone in for conventionally smart guys; I don’t know why anyone would want to date one of the smarmy bastards. Hey, what are you doing tomorrow night?”
Thanks — it’s good, but I’d have a hard time delivering it. (I am enjoying rolling it around in my head though… I prefer men of unconventional intelligence/I don’t need a guy who is smart in the traditional sense. It does have a nice flavor to it.)
I think your move was a good one, Roberta. If the guy is so tactless as to tell you that, then you’re wasting your breath with some kind of comeback. My boyfriend always says he used to always go for girls who were pretty, but “unusual-looking,” which always makes me ask him if he thinks I’m like that, and he says no. So in that situation it’s like either he does think I’m like that and is smart enough not to tell me, or I’m not his usual type, which is kind of weird.
Of course, he finds Uma Thurman to be unusual looking, which isn’t all that bad after all. My guess is that these guys get bored by cookie-cutter cuteness and would prefer a girl who looks more uniquely pretty. Although they could come up with something better, like maybe “you look European” or something.
Yeah. I look a little fat. (and not European so much as Jewish.) This is not self-deprication; I used to be much bigger, and am thrilled with how I look and enjoy myself a lot, but I also have a sense of where I am in the looks food chain. (And am occasionally pleasantly surprised, when someone who I figure can have anyone they want wants me — confidence still needs work.)
Occasionally a man will tell me that he prefers a woman with more curves — depending on how it’s presented this is cool with me.
No, this is more “I know you feel bad about yourself, but don’t anymore, ’cause I’d have you. In fact, I’m a bit of a loser myself, so you’d better not be shallow, because I just promised you that I’m not”.
Utter crap.
Hey Ret, so now I’m not only new here but I feel like I kinda hijacked your blog.
I owe you one.
Hijack as much as you like, Roberta.
[...] There’s been a mini-conversation going on in one of the comments sections around here, revolving in part around the idea of “unconventional beauty.” Well, that and how clueless men are, but that’s almost always part of the conversation here. Especially when I’m around. I don’t know why that is, but I’ll figure it out eventually. [...]
[...] Yesterday I jumped into a new blog (new to me) with a comment and the comments section took on a life of its own [...]
Roberta! The correct response to “I don’t go for women with conventional beauty” is “I don’t go for men with conventional penises.”
Have I taught you nothing?
D’Oh!
Um, what’s a conventional penis?
Four inches.
Naah, “Well, if I didn’t go for guys with ‘conventional’ breath we’d be perfect” is the proper response.
Perhaps replacing breath with body odor (or just smell), tact, social skills…
Or maybe using that delivery for intelligence. But I like the line in general with minor tweaking, and breath seems an acceptable claim.
i am in my late twenties and have decided (after a break-up with my fiance and then a six month hiatus of doing my own thing) to reemerge pm the “scene”.. i receive looks everywhere i go, and am often told by strangers that i am gorgeous and by friends that i am polished, stylish and intelligent. regardless, i hardly EVER get asked out. hardly!.. i am not actively looking for somebody, but still — i wonder why this is?..
Perhaps you’re intimidating?
I’ve known people that were really, well, exceptional, and that alone made it impossible to date them. Inferiority complex or whatnot.
SPECIAL ADVICE: Never wear shirts that have pictures of guns on them.