Yes, I’m Trying to Seduce You
If there’s one thing that I’m really good at, it’s not knowing when women are flirting with me. I would be a world-class champion in the arena of being oblivious to the advances of women, should there ever be such a competitive sport. I’m not suggesting that any women have been flirting with me recently; I’m just saying that if they were, I wouldn’t notice. So there may have been. I really don’t know. That’s my point.
My old girlfriends used to make fun of me because of the strange lengths that they’d needed to go to in order to get my attention in the beginning. They’d bat their eyelashes, smile brightly, play with their hair — all of the normal sorts of body language things. Suggestions to spend time together, light touches on the arm, the sort of green lights that normal men would probably recognize as some sort of advance. I am not a normal man. In fact, the last time that a woman touched me lightly and sensually on the arm, I recoiled like it was a white-hot branding iron. I guess it was kind of her fault for sneaking up on me with a white-hot branding iron and then forgetting which hand it was in.
I just asked my friend Ariel what she does in order to get a man’s attention when she’s feeling frisky, and here’s a short list of some of the things that she said:
-smiling
-eye contact, looking away, repeat
-if she’s actually talking to him, big smiles and laughing at his jokes to build up his confidence
-light touching, or initiating physical contact to break down the walls a little
When this stuff happens to me, I think:
-Hey, there’s a girl. I think I need another beer — anyone else want one while I’m going?
As you can see, I have some problems. My romantic radar is pretty broken, but I don’t think that I’m entirely hopeless. I believe that — with some help and guidance — I can learn to actually recognize those situations when women are flirting with me. Perhaps then I can muster up whatever Lloyd Dobler-esque charms I can, and flirt back. (And if that fails, I can always sing a Carpenters song. “Close to You” is so surefire I don’t even need to flirt.)
So what am I missing? As I venture forth again into singlehood, I’ll be needing some handy feminine advice. Either that or I’ll have to pull out “We’ve Only Just Begun,” and I don’t know if Manhattan can take that much concentrated romance.
EDIT: Ariel also taught me the phrase “EVENING FRIEND.” I don’t know why I find that so amusing, but I do.
I’ve found being married is a great way to attract women. I’ve been able to get to know so many more women since I’ve tied the knot than before. Not that it does me any good now.
Of course, it could just be that women feel safe approaching a guy that’s taken. Or who isn’t trying to seduce them when they’re talking to you.
Sorry I couldn’t be of more help.
Yeah, but you’re a rockstar, so that skews the results.
Hmm. We’re going to have to join forces with other bloggers, I think. I’ll see who I can rustle up.
#1 Rule: Be confident. Don’t ACT confident if you aren’t – women can smell that funk a mile away. Just BE and be yourself and relax and roll with everything and you’re three quarters of the way there.
It’s true.
How have I never heard of “evening friend”? I need clarification of the term, please.
1.) Don’t hang out in Chelsea. Because then it will be guys flirting with you and you missing the signals, and there is nothing like a bitter queen to layeth the smack down.
That’s not the kind of advice you were looking for, is it?
Something I have learned: most good guys (and by good I mean “the kind a woman would want to land” not the “God’s gift to all women” type) are totally unaware when a woman is flirting with them. This is a common failing, because none of you guys seem to believe that a woman would want you. Surprise, women do!
An EVENING FRIEND, is, ahem, you know… a friend for the evening hours.
YOU KNOW
I have been told to offer my advice. However, I am a TERRIBLE flirt. My idea of flirting was “I will ignore this person completely, and maybe he will fall in love with me.”
this could explain why I was single for so long.
Maybe the more important thing to know is when a woman is NOT interested in you. Because there is nothing more uncomfortable than watching a man put his “moves” on a girl who is clearly not interested and is mentally calculating how fast she can whip out the pepper spray without him catching on.
A woman who avoids eye contact, answers any attempt at conversation with short “yes” or “no” responses, physically turns her body AWAY from you, and/or throws her drink in your face is not interested. Do not try to change her mind – that only happens in movies.
having said that, any woman who does NOT do any of those things could be interested. or at the very least, not repulsed. that is a good sign, and you can take it to mean she desires further conversation and flirting. that’s not to say you won’t get shot down later, but the reasons will not be that you are a repulsive, but rather she is already seeing someone or married or just not that into you (but hey, maybe she’s got a friend…?). But you will still be a nice guy.
and all that advice you got about how women flirt, that is true. if a you are speaking to a woman you just met, and she is hanging on your every word, even if you are talking about lawnmower parts, she is either A. very interested in you, or B. a lawnmower fanatic. Either way, good for you! Ask her out. Even if it doesn’t work out, maybe you can get her to mow your lawn for you!
Laughing at your jokes you know are lame is also a good sign. If she touches your arm, or if you’re sitting side by side at a bar and her leg touches your leg and she doesn’t jerk it back, very good sign. Marry her.
Uhhh…let’s see…that’s all I got for now. Good luck!
Wow, there’s not much else to say after that…
But when I flirt, I usually can make a guy ‘get it.’ If what I want is just a night in the sack, he will def get it.
But if I like a guy enough to want to date him, I may be more subtle. I will just try to mention that I have been wanting to go somewhere he says he goes, HINT HINT. Or invite him to a party I’m gonna be at.
But I wouldn’t take too much advice from me, as I’m a single girl who only knows married men, and therefore cannot even practice my true flirting skills without risk of an extramarital something or other…
That and I’m small town… Things don’t always translate…
But Sloth asked me to help, and Sloth recieves!
See, it’s not as if I’m completely unsuccessful with women. But more that it’s the kind of success where the woman finally has to give up on all standards of subtlety.
For instance, last week a girl named Annie took me into her secluded cabin and broke both of my feet with a sledgehammer. Then I was all like, “Listen, you could’ve just winked at me or something. But now I’ll get right back to working on the book.”
I would say that you might be missing out on a great girl if you can’t recognise subtle flirting. Some women are too shy to break down and “give up an all standards of subtlety”. Of course, maybe it’s better to go with the women that know what they want and do what they need to do to get it.
I’m Agent Orange I’m Agent Orange…heeheheh oh …excuse me… rrr sorry sometimes I can’t control myself.
Stop trying to read signals.
Tell a clever but slightly corny joke. If she laughs at said joke, move forward with grace and gratitude, then make her laugh back.
Dude, stay away from subtle. The male brain is not hardwired for sublty. For example, the Wife says “the trash is full”. My reaction: You’re correct. What she REALLY meant: take out the trash. See sublty don’t work. She should have just said, “can you please take out the trash.”
My version of sublty is to prance in front of the ladies brandishing my guitar and singing RIGHT AT THEM. Then I jump into the audience and rock out right next to them while whispering “You’re the hottest chick out here” in their ear. Before you know it, they’re throwing their underwear at me.
But that’s still not helping, is it?
Well, not until I learn to play the guitar.
“Evening friend” also works as a salutation, for more formal flirting.
My technique: I wait until a heavy rain. Then I go out and dance, attracting the female. We fly 100 feet in the air and I inseminate her. Then my wings fall off and I die.
Obvious signs of flirting are when she sprays you with her pheremones and rubs her forelegs together.
I used to date a girl that rubbed her forelegs together. It was hot.
just on that comment about getting the beer, are you sure you don’t notice them, or you actually do and NOT know how to handle it?
…now, that is an entirely different ball game.
Interesting proposition. Because that certainly is the case some of the time, though not all of the time.
After I rub my forelegs together and mate, I finish him off….by eating him.
I suggest this. When a girl talks to you, ask, “Are you coming on to me? Because I’m just hopeless at this sort of thing, and I can never tell when a woman’s coming on to me. So I’m feeling pretty vulnerable right now. So if you’re coming on to me, would you please tell me that you’re coming on to me, so that I don’t accidentally walk away clueless?”
Women are suckers for “hopeless” and “vulnerable.”
That would totally… probably not work.
Wouldn’t a rational woman assume that was a line?
I’m having a Singles flashback suddenly.
Wow. Your “flirt detector” sounds like it’s just as effective as mine. No help, of course, but interesting.
And “Evening Friend” is such a kinder name than the one I’ve heard before.
It’s been a long, long time since I had to deal with any of this crap, but as far as my creaky old brain remembers, ESC has the right idea: as long as you know how to tell that your attentions are not desired, you’re doing pretty well.
Of course–and this is completely unexaggerated–I used to develop some kind of inner-ear problem when I was attracted to a guy, and I would run into things and fall down and stuff. Really. I once fell down half a flight of stairs after accidentally encountering one particular guy; the first time I saw him I ran into a door. (The last time I saw him I nearly ran over him with my pickup, but that was intentional.)
So basically, my method of flirting, back when I had a need to participate in mating behavior, was to take a spectacular fall. Hey, that’s sexy, right? Suffice it to say that nobody ever stood outside my house early in the morning with a boombox over his head.
I flirted with Mr. Vintage Reader by bumming a cigarette, even though I think I had quit smoking by then. Considering my history, it’s probably pretty lucky I didn’t set my hair on fire and then accidentally stumble in front of a bus trying to get to the water fountain to put it out. So I guess if a woman who doesn’t have yellow fingers and tobacco breath asks you for a light, you’re in!
Yeah, I’m totally in the same boat. A gal generally has to stick her tongue down my throat before I realize she’s interested.
Even then I’m unsure.
Yeah, at that point it’s all about “Well, how far is her tongue down my throat?” There are degrees to this, I’m sure of it.
Oh my God. Doug and I actually read this one together and could not stop giggling at your “Yes you in the black shirt” sign.
I made Doug read this one with me because of the great lengths I had to go to to get a kiss from him in the beginning. I told him I had a crush on him and he still wasn’t sure I was really interested. Why would a girl you’ve been friends with for 2 years tell you that if she wasn’t really interested? (Especially if she isn’t even drunk!) I consider his oblivion to be mixed with a fair amount of self-flaggelating delusion, which makes it even tougher. I really could have used that sign a few years ago. ;)
I didn’t want to mention it first, but that graphic is just about my favorite thing that I put on this blog in ages. Makes me giggle too.
Actually I live with Doug now and I could probably use that sign even more than before we dated! :) A placard would be perfect. My birthday is next month, wink wink.
[...] Since my last post on seduction, I’ve been doing a little bit of research based on the advice that was given by all the commenters, and it’s led me exactly where I thought it would: [...]