Tales to Astonish!

I am too exhausted by this week to write. Instead, I present you with this image of the greatest comic-book team-up of all time:

I was thinking about this on the train this morning. I won’t be brash enough to claim that this is a universal thing, but I think I may have discovered a new law of vampire films:

The longer a vampire’s fangs are, the less likely I am to take him seriously as a villain.

On the other hand, if they’re too short, I also won’t take them very seriously. I guess it’s sort of like a bell curve. A parabola of chompers, if you will. The “Uncanny Valley” of desanguination.

Honestly, if a vampire can’t close its mouth because its fangs are too damn big, I doubt that it can do much more than uncontrollably drool on me. At that point, it’s basically just fisticuffs between me and a dude that needs dental work, and I’d just smack them in the lower lip, which, quite frankly, is probably already severely wounded. It’d be basically the same as beating up pale people with lockjaw, just like I did for fun back in middle school.

EDIT: Case in point:

I swear, this movie must have had a PA dedicated solely to wiping the drool off of her chin.

You know why I want to see this movie?

Because the only IMDB keywords listed for it are “Car” and “Blood.”

Yes, this is a selling point for me.

THIS JUST IN: the teen pregnancy rate in the US has risen for the first time since the mid-nineties. Obviously, many of our nation’s well-meaning but misguided ‘abstinence-only’ sex ed programs aren’t working. On the other hand, many parents are hesitant to promote “safe sex” over “no sex,” fearing that it’ll actually teach kids to have even more “makin’ it” sessions after math class. But fear not, true believers! I have a solution: make all 12-year-olds watch David Cronenberg’s The Brood. (For those of you that aren’t familiar with the film, it’s pretty basically a documentary about what giving birth in Canada is like.)

Barring actual repeat screenings of the film, I think a few well-placed posters would also do the trick. I actually made a sample one to share with all of you:

I like doing my civic duty.

EDIT: