Tales to Astonish!

Everyone celebrates the holidays a little bit differently.  A lot of people only celebrate the few cardinal holidays like Christmas or Thanksgiving, and I know that my own family treats Easter like the irritating pastel deviant holiday it is, while celebrating St. Patrick’s Day as if Jesus himself were drunk dialing them from the pub.  It’s one of the perks of being Irish.  Now that I’ve moved away from my family and am on my own in the big city, I’ve slowly adopted my own holiday rituals, and thusly would like to announce that the greatest holiday of all time ever ever, Halloween, officially begins for me on September 1st.  It is the only time of the year when my beliefs are in accord with those of whoever stocks the shelves at Rite Aid.

This means that my annual Halloween coverage will be beginning in only a few days!  And boy, do I have absolutely nothing yet lined up to share with you, except for my awesome jack o’lantern that I just made!  The season sort of snuck up on me this year, so I haven’t had much time — rather, I haven’t used much time — to prepare anything special, but I still have a few ghoulish days to come up with some fun stuff.  It will probably involve zombies.  Perhaps another contest is in order!  Any suggestions would be welcome.

You know, I know that it’s usually spelled “Halloween,” but dang if I’m not always tempted to write out “Hallowe’en” with that apostrophe elegantly jammed in there between the ‘e’s.  I think it’s just the contrary part of my personality.  You know, the French part.

Also, I will start spelling it “betwe’en.”

This morning on the way to work, I walked by Richard Simmons, who was doing a funny little dance while standing outside of his limo. It was just me, Richard Simmons, and the driver. Deep down inside, I like to think that he was trying to impress me.

Also, I walked into the building behind a man who had a banana in his pocket. I wanted to ask him if he was just happy to see me, because, seriously, how often to people carry bananas in their pocket? But I resisted on account of he was a stranger. Also, a cop.

I will be keeping my eye on the Craigslist Missed Connections for “Saw you on the F train Saturday night, wearing black shirt and jeans.  You smiled at me and then tried to stand up, whacking your skull on the overhead railing with a sledgehammer-like force.  I’m not attracted to you, but I think you may have a concussion.”

I think she’s perfect for me.