Phantom Express
Posted in Pure Eeee-a-vil! on April 28th, 2006 by The RetropolitanI have discovered what is clearly the most ingenius videogame of all time, one which totally bypassed my childhood by appearing solely on a system that I totally ignored growing up. It’s — dare I say? — brilliant. Whereas most videogames are meant to provide you with thrilling fun and adventure, this one was apparently designed to make you feel bad about yourself.
From the 1Up article about the Phillips CDi system:
Continuing the CD-i’s brilliant tradition of games that encourage the player with mean-spirited insults, Mystic Midway: Phantom Express prides itself as a “nightmare simulator.” The game is a first-person roller-coaster ride (literally) that travels through bad dreams, and the player is charged with the task of shooting down visual representations of trauma experienced during the various stages of one’s life.
This makes for a really depressing experience. In fact, Phantom Express is one of the few videogames that leaves you questioning your worth as a human being. It’s the soundtrack that does it, really. Take the first stage, which has you shooting childhood fears like safety pins and leaky diapers. Throughout the entire level, you’ll hear babies crying, the off-key singing of nursery songs, and a woman yelling things like, “I never wanted children! YOU were the one who wanted children!” This continues on for many stages, culminating with the “old-age” level, which ends with your family telling you they don’t love you, and that they can’t wait for you to die. What a fun game!
It reminds me of when I was a kid playing Mario Kart in my room while my family and friends cheered me on. Except I didn’t have Mario Kart and the factory manager kept whipping me with a rusty chain and telling me I was the worst slave he’s ever had so I better get back to making those Nikes if I wanted my gruel.
I guess the moral of this story is that no matter how badly you want to shoot the problems and traumas of your life, they’re really intangible ghosts that cannot be exorcised unless you buy a Nintendo like everyone else.
