Tales to Astonish!

Yeah, sure — it’s not very secular of me to celebrate Christmas, considering that I’ve rejected God and other fairy tales in my life; but I’ve also rejected leprechauns, and I still make it to McDonald’s once a year for the Shamrock Shake. Winter holidays are times of love and giving, and I enjoy loving and giving as much as the next guy — which is why this time of year is filled with endless frustrations. If there is ever a time where the majority of the population of America becomes as shady and misleading with their answers as Karl Rove under a desk lamp, it’s Christmastime.

No one, no one, ever ever ever wants to tell you what they actually want for a holiday gifts, small children excluded. Ask the person you love: “Oh, I don’t need anything.” If they’re secretly sucking up or are trying to watch TV, they might add “Just to be with you is all I want.” What’s going on inside is a secret political manuever so diabolical in its intricacies that it would cause Machiaevelli to wince at the ethics. Everyone wants something, but no one wants to admit it because that something is probably something stupid. We know what we could use, and we know what we need, but the things we actually desire have so little value that it almost feels wrong to ask for them. For instance, I need either a microwave or a toaster oven, but I want the bootleg DVD of the “She-Wolf of London” TV show, which unfortunately doesn’t do much when it comes to heating and toasting food. Maybe if I rubbed it really fast I could get some good friction going, but I’d have to work out the crisping.

Personally, I’m not afraid to admit that everything I want is either stupid or useless or both. That’s the way the human mind works, and a geeky human I am, so I’ve put together my Wish List for Santa. For all of my friends and family that exchange gifts with me each season, there you go. I won’t talk about it again. Keep in mind, though, that if you ask me in person, I’ll just scoffingly say “Oh, I don’t need anything, I just want a nice quiet day” and then smile menacingly as I see your frustration rising and your cheeks get puffy and red with impatience.

Actually, maybe seeing that is all I want for Christmas.

I’ve got a headache, stomach ache, sore throat, and half of my body is covered in mystery bruises. My shoes are spattered with mud, my suit has the metallic scent of an antique tobacco tin, and the rest of my clothes give off the aroma of yesterday’s beer. The bags under my eyes are heavy like down pillows, and about as purple as a fresh violet without smelling as sweet.

It was a great wedding.

Congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Ryan, the most exceptional newlyweds I know.

Well, I guess I will be posting before Sunday or Monday, because here I am. I had a nice little Thanksgiving Day yesterday with the Lady Retropolitan and her family, most of it spent watching my little cat terrorize the Lady’s two giant black cats, and then napping with her on my chest (the cat, not the Lady). It was a day of cuteness. And food. Lots of food.

I have nothing of substance to add today, other than to say that listening to John Carpenter’s oppressive score for Prince of Darkness will make any commute to work seem like it’s the most terrifying and tense trip to work ever. I wouldn’t have been surprised to find “I LIVE! YOU WILL NOT BE SAVED” spraypainted on the wall of the 7 train.

Jesus, that would be a creepy thing to find in a darkened subway corridor, wouldn’t it?

Other creepy things to find on a subway wall:

-”COME BLEED WITH US”

-”JENNY — 867-5309″ (Either if you’re Jenny or just happen to have that number.)

-”IT’S NOT JUST THE FRENCH THAT LOVE JERRY LEWIS”

Or the creepiest:

Well, despite the horrifying events upon which the holiday is based, I’d like to wish everyone a very happy holiday with their family, friends, and pets. I don’t know when I’ll get another chance to post (probably not until Sunday or Monday), so here it is:

Happy Thanksgiving!

Short list of things that I’m thankful for:

-The Lady Retropolitan
-The Cat Retropolitan
-art deco
-Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow
-having food in my belly
-my exquisite ninja skills
-President Roosevelt
-the scientific method
-Brooklyn Lager
-all my friends and family
-Chandler novels
-the blogosphere
-garlic
-Tangerine Dream
-the first two Batman movies
…and so much more…

I’m a movies man, not a music man, but Rhapsody is on the verge of changing that. Back in the day, I used to use all the great, wonderful, illegal music downloading services (has there been a greater program than Audiogalaxy?), but in the interim years between campus T1 lines and now I’ve mellowed my copyright-infringing ways and gone legit. A few months back, I joined up for the re-surfaced Napster subscription-based service ($9.99 per month for a million+ songs), and it was pretty good. I liked the service, it was easy and convenient and no one was threatening to sue me.

Then, I cancelled out of basic boredom. It turned out that there were a lot of artists that I wanted that they didn’t have, and then I realized that the radio stations just played the same fifty or so songs over and over. I cancelled a few weeks ago.

Sunday, feeling the quiet of my apartment, I realized that I wanted to listen to some high-quality radio, so I looked up Rhapsody, which I’d installed months ago but never activated. Turns out that just installing the software gets you 25 free song plays per month, and (I think) 25 radio streams — you don’t even have to subscribe, and it refills every month. So, I played around until I got sucked into doing the 14-day free trial, and so far I love it. I give the Rhapsody guys a ton of credit for the vast amount of information they’ve pulled together. My favorite thing is that you can look up any artist, and search through all their Rhapsody-available music, AND all of their canon that Rhapsody doesn’t offer, including specific album information and covers. You can find information on artists that they don’t even have — even photo galleries and biographies. It’s pretty in-depth.

Most of all, I’ve been swooning over Yo La Tengo all night with Rhapsody’s “Yo La Tengo Sampler Platter” — man, I forgot how much I liked these guys.

Rhapsody = good.

EDIT: And videos, man, videos!