Contest!
Posted in N/A on October 31st, 2005 by The RetropolitanIt’s time to draw to a close the First Annual Tales to Astonish Halloween Contest! I had a good number of entries submitted, and even some in non-written format, but I’ve finally narrowed down my choices. Thanks to all that sent in entries, but in the end there can be only one winner of the MYSTERY PRIZE!
And that winner is:
The question: which would make the best retail employee: vampire, werewolf, or zombie?
Collin says (villainously):
Let’s take them one at a time, shall we?
Vampires: While vampires are very people oriented they are only available nights, so unless you were in need of night staff they aren’t very useful. Vampires also don’t work well with others. If you have more than one vampire on staff at a time you can be sure they will be using as much, if not more, company time plotting the downfall of their co-workers as they do helping the customers. They are likely to secretly install trap doors and hidden passageways around the store when you aren’t looking which could void your property lease. They are very reluctant to be subordinate to anyone and would grudgingly, and only after great coercion, take orders until they were able to corner the supervisor alone and go to work on obtaining an early promotion. Vampires are strictly upper management material, and even then the company’s president should strongly consider adapting a garlic and cross wardrobe and surrounding himself with bodyguards armed with stakes and holy water.
Werewolves: Werewolves aren’t particularly suited to retail. It’s not that they aren’t willing to give it a go, it’s just that three days out of the month they get very bitchy, their
communication skills drop considerably and they pee simply everywhere. They are an especially poor choice if your business is selling pets; all you’re doing then is supplying your fuzzy employee with late-night snacks in baskets. Speaking of fuzz, if you sell clothing or furniture you will be spending a lot of money each month to rid the surfaces of smelly hair. If you sell sporting goods, expect to have your balls chewed on. The remaining days of the month werewolves are essentially the same as any other non-were employee, only with the added aversion to anything silver.That brings us to Zombies: Even though I’m a huge fan of zombies, I must admit that they are actually the least suited to retail in spite of their apparent advantages. I know, surprise! I wish it wasn’t so, but what can you do?
Sure, they look good on paper:
o They work for less than a Cambodian prisoner or a child who was raised in a suitcase.
o They never get tired. Once they’ve set their mind to something they won’t stop.
o They are particularly attentive to any customer who happens to stop in, including a overwhelming desire to drop anything they are doing to rush up and greet them.
o They don’t spend company time gossiping.
o They love everyone.
But they do have their downsides:
o They dress very shabbily.
o They move at an old-man-with-wooden-blocks-nailed-to-his-feet pace.
o They don’t pay attention to their other duties, like sweeping up or unclogging the toilet in the men’s room.
o They are very slow witted and can’t be trusted on a cash register. They have even been known to wander off and leave the register unattended for hours at a time.
o They drool and tend to lose bits of themselves among the merchandise.
o Their vocabulary is limited to “Braaaaaiiinnnssss…” and “Uhhhhhhh…” which is actually only helpful in very specific circumstances, i.e. “What’s this in my head?” and “Does this make my butt look big?”
o They smell really, really bad which makes them a particularly poor choice for the perfume counter. Also, they might eat the lipstick.
o They snack all the time.
o Their favorite snack is the customer. Their motto is: “The customer is always ripe”. Actually, their real motto is: “Braaaaaiiinnnssss…” but if they were more articulate, it would be the other one.
o They have far more friends and relatives than you can imagine who seem to drop by all the time. Before you know it your store is so full of zombies that there’s hardly any room for customers.
So, of those three evils, none of which are really well suited to retail, I would have to say the best would be werewolves, most of the time and depending on what you are selling.
Far better would be an unstoppable, hockey mask wearing serial killer. He’ll never let a potential customer get away. Just don’t get too chummy with him and never ask him about how he spent his weekend. Much like a vampire he would rather work alone, however he’s very efficient and quick and he lacks a vampire’s ambition.
Thank you, Collin!
*round of applause*
As for that MYSTERY PRIZE, Collin will find out what it is…sooooooon! (Read in devilish manner.)
BWA-HAHAHAHAHA!
Thanks again to everyone that entered — it certainly brought a bright spot to my Halloween season. I’ll have to plan something extra gruesome for next year.