36% of high school students to be put in gulag, shot

Posted in N/A on January 31st, 2005 by The Retropolitan

According to an article printed in USA Today, 36% of high school students believe that newspapers should get “government approval” before printing stories. Now, I don’t know what percentage of that 36% were active Stalin supporters during WWII, but I’m guessing it’s alarmingly low for a group of teens with these ideals.

Point One: The government should have no say in first-amendment issues with the press, short of them breaking the law in these matters.

Point Two: The press keeps the government in check, to a limited degree.

Point Three: Do these students read?

Point Four: Who the hell are the teachers in these high schools?

Point Five: What the hell is wrong with these teachers, these students?

Point Six: Send them to me. I am going to line them up in Three-Stooges-formation and run down the line, smacking them with a mallet.

Point Seven: > bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk

Is that 36% yet? Well, you get the picture. Unfortunately, should they complain to the press about my mallet-mashing, their stories will go unprinted, because Rumsfeld dislikes stories about torture.

Jesus Christ

Posted in N/A on January 26th, 2005 by The Retropolitan

Enough, already! Less Jesus, more eyecare plans.

Man sees Jesus in clipboard

Strange — when I look at it, I just see a very suggestible man holding a clipboard.

“He doesn’t know why its there but believes God is sending a messsage.”

Okay, I officially refuse to believe in a God that decides to send people information-less ‘messages’ by sticking pictures of his son’s face into pieces of wood — and barely recognizable pictures, at that. Yeah, mysterious ways my ass. Of all the things God could say to his creation, he chooses to just put family photos into things like clipboards, tree bark, dirty windows, and cheese sandwiches. Heaven must be an endless reel of his vacation videos — and that sounds Hellish to me.

A Jerk By Any Other Name…

Posted in N/A on January 26th, 2005 by The Retropolitan

The religious conservative right in this country never ceases to provide me with entertaining and terrifying things to write about. Today’s topic: the No Name-Calling Week.

From CNN’s article:

The initiative was developed by the New York-based Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network, which seeks to ensure that schools safely accommodate students of all sexual orientations. GLSEN worked with James Howe, the openly gay author of “The Misfits” and many other popular children’s books.

“Gay students aren’t the only kids targeted — this isn’t about special rights for them,” Howe said. “But the fact is that ‘faggot’ is probably the most common insult at schools.”

“The Misfits” deals with four much-taunted middle schoolers — one of them gay — who run for the student council on a platform advocating an end to nasty name-calling.

That seems reasonable, right? That’s because it is reasonable. It’s perfectly reasonable to want the children in America to learn tolerance and respect for other human beings. Respect and tolerance have been the goals of many a fine movement. So who’s trying to stop this?

“I hope schools will realize it’s less an exercise in tolerance than a platform for liberal groups to promote their pan-sexual agenda,” said Robert Knight, director of Concerned Women for America’s Culture and Family Institute.

“Schools should be steering kids away from identifying as gay,” Knight said. “You can teach civility to kids and tell them every child is valued without conveying the message that failure to accept homosexuality as normal is a sign of bigotry.”

While it was started by GLSEN, it’s also been backed by many, many groups that have no special place reserved for homosexuality, or a ‘pan-sexual agenda.’ For instance, the Girl Scouts, which as far as I can tell was not designed to be a training ground for lesbianism.

Actually, let’s look at just a few of the supporters of the No Name-Calling Week:

  • American Arab Anti-Discrimination Gay Committee
  • Council for Children with Behavioral Gay Disorders
  • National Urban League Gay
  • Girl Scouts of the Gay U.S.A.
  • National Association of Gay School Nurses
  • Asian Pacific Islanders For Human Rights (gay-sounding)
  • Simon & Schuster Children’s Gay Publishing
  • National Association of Secondary Gay School Principals
  • Big Brothers Big Sisters of Homo America
  • Anti-Defamation League (of Gay)
  • National Association for Gifted Children (nerds, close to gay)

Holy Shit! Maybe they’re right! These groups are obviously promoting a terrifying pan-sexual agenda! Probably even metrosexual! Oh, wait, my point of view accidentally shifted to being religious and conservative for a moment. I apologize.

One of GLSEN’s most persistent critics is Warren Throckmorton, director of counseling at Grove City College, a Christian school outside Pittsburgh. His skeptical comments about “No Name-Calling Week” have been widely circulated this month on conservative Web sites.

“There’s no question middle school can be a difficult place — I’m not advocating that any group gets mistreated,” Throckmorton said in a telephone interview.

“But it will definitely make traditionally oriented teachers and parents and kids feel very uncomfortable, if they happen to object to homosexuality on moral grounds,” he said of GLSEN’s program. “If you disagree, you’re hateful, you’re bigoted, you’re a homophobe. They’re using name-calling to combat name-calling.”

I hate to be a bringer of bad news, but Throckmorton is right. If you disagree with the idea of tolerance, whether it be for sexual preference or not, it does make you hateful, bigoted, and/or homophobic. Morals are a tricky area, but I don’t think anti-homosexuality can be reasonably argued against with only morals. Religious values, yes; morals and ethics, no. Morals and religious values are not the same thing, and I’d like to see that maxim written on a plaque in front of every courthouse in Georgia.

Lastly, they are not using name-calling to combat name-calling. They’re allowing for tolerance for all beliefs, even as biased and bigoted as Throckmorton’s apparently are, and promoting tolerance by asking kids to think twice before swinging the verbal bats at each other. It’s No Name-Calling Week, not No Discussion-of-Lifestyle Week; it’s hoping to prevent verbal abuse. If your beliefs require you to verbally abuse another human being, or to bully someone whose lifestyle you object to, perhaps you should rethink some things.

At the moment, part of the objections seem to come from an attitude that conservative/ religious/ homophobes cannot support anything that tolerance and gay-rights organizations also support. This isn’t a gay issue, it’s a tolerance issue that happened to have been opened up by a gay rights group; perhaps the real objection could be association, and the feeling that by joining forces (even on as tangental a movement as this), that’s somehow being supportive of all things homo. I have a feeling that if No Name-Calling Week were started by the RNC, minus inspiration from “The Misfits,” we’d hear nary a whisper about it from these people.

Next, Throckmorton will likely boycott rainbows, Spongebob, and fashion.

[Also published at American Samizdat.]

Who’s gay under the sea? SPONGEBOB!!!

Posted in N/A on January 25th, 2005 by The Retropolitan

I’m sure that you’ve heard by now that Spongebob Squarepants is going to burn alongside the rest of the tormented for all eternity, since Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family decided that he was being used to promote the gay lifestyle — because Spongebob and his friend Patrick hold hands, occasionally wear fishnets stockings, and play catch with cans of lubricant. (I just made that last one up.) Luckily for the souls of our animated friends, the United Church of Christ (via their president Rev. John A. Thomas) has forgiven them, accepted who they are, and welcomed them into the loving folds of the church. (Click on the link for a nice picture of ‘the welcoming.’)

Except that they’re cartoooooooons, which means that they’re much more likely to have their paper and cell sheets recycled into newspapers and soda bottles than actually end up in Heaven. Apparently, that doesn’t matter to Christ.

Is the state of religion so unfortunate, where they have officially run out of real people to discriminate against? We all know science is bad, gays are bad, atheists are bad, people that have sex are bad, people that work on Sunday are bad, Buddhists are bad, people that work in the movie industry are bad, and, well, all of America other than them is bad. Must they begin telling us which fictional characters are not allowed into Heaven? I fear for any male character from Victorian literature.

Dr. Dobson contends that he doesn’t object to Spongebob, only that he fears that thinly-veiled gay subtext of the show is being used to promote a gay-friendly lifestyle to those that wouldn’t understand it. That’s right, he objects to a mostly asexual character being used to promote tolerance to children who (as of yet) have not been indoctrinated to hate gay people. Fucking Spongebob! Oh, I know I’d hate it if my children were being taught not to hate other people before I could teach them to hate other people.

I suppose Dr. Dobson would’ve been okay with Spongebob, had he not only been depicted holding hands with Patrick, but also as a vicious atheist fishnet-wearing drug dealer gunned down by a brave, God-fearin’ octopus. At least that way, kids would learn a lesson. Then again, octopi have tentacles, and tentacles could remind one of…nah. They wouldn’t stoop that low.

[Also published at American Samizdat.]

I believe in therapy

Posted in N/A on January 25th, 2005 by The Retropolitan

I’m not having a wonderful time in my life right now. Things are…okay, I’m surviving, but I’m teetering on the verge of a mental breakdown. Not that this is exactly a new experience for me, but with chronic depression, there’s only so many stupid jokes I can make about my life that are going to relieve my stress. (Although I have discovered that two good-quality fart jokes can be worth up to three regular jokes, more if they’re somehow topical.) That’s why I’m looking into ‘seeing someone’ (other than my girlfriend.)

I think there’s a great benefit to talking to someone that you don’t know. I love my friends, and I really love my girlfriend, but there’s really a limit to how much I can be open with these people. Not that I don’t trust them, or think that they’ll judge me harshly or something, but I’m not sure I trust them to not judge me harshly for some things. At least, that’s what’s happening in my subconcious mind. The people around me, even the people I love, cause me stress, and that makes it nigh-impossible to speak openly with them, because they’re invariably involved in whatever it is that’s making me crazy.

I mean, Dick and Jane loved each other, but Dick just couldn’t open himself up to her because he was afraid of how she might view his own insecurities. Dick just felt like he was running, running all the time — but running from what? From Jane? From Dick’s point of view, Jane was also running a lot, and he wasn’t sure if it was because of the way he was acting, or maybe it was some kind of congenital disorder, because she was always running as long as he’d known her. Dick felt like he was never getting anywhere with his life, and that there wasn’t much outside of him, Jane, and their dog. He felt basically okay with that, but he was worried that feeling okay about it was just complacency, and maybe he needed a change. Perhaps, Dick thought, he should run away from Jane. Hell, maybe he just wanted to fucking walk, for once — take it slow, and easy. But what if Jane didn’t want to walk? Would that be the end? And that damned dog — Spot never seemed to pay attention when Dick talked to him. The dog just ran and ran.

Anyway, I think it’s best to talk to strangers. Well, specifically licensed strangers, who have nice couches, which is why I’m going to schedule an appointment via the New York Freudian Society. I just want to feel better about my life again, and to be productive again, and to feel like I’m worth something again. Like Dick, I want to stop running. Plus, I miss my Spot.