Tales to Astonish!

I hate msn.com.

I don’t think it’s likely to be the worst page in the world, but it’s probably the worst homepage ever. Sadly, I know this because it’s the default homepage on all of our work browsers, and every morning when I come in I end up reading this drivel. See, the pretense of the page is that it looks like a news site — not unlike msnbc, except that it’s full of tabloid crap, like articles about the ten worst celebrity likenesses, the five worst cars for a family budget, etc. They do a lot of ‘top tens’ and ‘bottom tens.’ The writing is so shlocky and gossipy, and the articles are so shallow, that I could probably write fifty of them a day. In fact, here’s an article I wrote in three minutes:

The Top Five Jobs in 2004: Things You Need To Know
According to experts, not all jobs are created equal. Some jobs are fun to do, fulfilling, and pay more money that you could spend in a lifetime! These are some tips for looking out for that dream-job! Dr. Paul Fleischman, of the National Aeronautic Institute, says that you should go after that high-salary work. “A lot of people don’t realize that you have to get a good-paying job to earn lots of money,” he explained to our reporter, “you can’t just sit there and work hard. You have to work hard for a high salary to be paid better.” Advice never sounded so smart! Here’s the list of the top five jobs you should look for:
1. CEO, Warner Brothers, Inc. This position pays incredible amounts of cash for the rather limited amount of work involved — take it if you can get it!
2. CEO, Microsoft. Keep your eyes peeled for when this listing comes up — not only does it pay well, but you get to keep up-to-date in the world of technology, unlike most retail work.
3. Owner, America. Location, location, location! It’s a well-kept secret that real estate is a quick way to a top dollar income! It may not include health insurance and other standard perks, but owning a country gives unlimited access to the many lakes, mountainside retreats, and pleasant park areas.
4. Prince William. Not only does this top-line job include a hideaway spot at a castle, you get to having charming good looks and a whole roster of assistants — not many jobs today can top the frills of this job!
5. White Collar Criminal. Dr. Fleischman told us, “The thing that most professionals don’t realize is that when it comes to work, the law is optional. Take a risk, and see the rewards fall into your pocketbook. You don’t want to get left behind!” And the best part is that there isn’t even an application fee for this top-ranked vocation!

Sound familiar?

Oh, and here’s a real headline article from them: Are Metrosexuals More Successful?
In case you’re curious, it’s next to: Rate Your Handshake. Which is listed as a HIGHLIGHT article.

ARGH!

It’s almost Halloween, the greatest holiday in the world! To celebrate this, I’m doing my very best to get myself worked up into the proper spirit of ghoulish glee, which mostly consists of gorging on candy and watching a lot of horror films, then having a big sugar-crash. The best!

I’ve always loved, loved, loved this season, and some of my favorite childhood memories are scouring MovieTown for the few monster movies that I hadn’t already seen. MovieTown wasn’t exactly a top-tier operation, but it was a nice addition to my home town’s video-watching industry which up to that point had consisted of one mini-mart, and reading. The best part of MovieTown was that a) they had a free popcorn machine (complete with movie-theater-style bags) which gave off the best video-perusing scents, and b) the Castle of Horror. Set in the center of the back wall, there was a floor-to-ceiling plaster castle-like room, with fake stone walls and parapets, that housed a few shelves of horror and sci-fi films. Looking back, it was really odd, since none of the other sections got preferential treatment like that, but I’d gladly have a Castle of Horror over a Castle of Buddy-Cop Movies any day. The one thing that I always wondered, though, is why the castle was bone-white. You’d think that if they were going to go through the trouble of fabricating a custom-sized castle, they’d at least paint it castle colors. Unfortunately, MovieTown was eventually turned into Blockbuster, and the Castle, in all its wonderful tackiness, was never to be seen again.

I vividly recall running straight back towards the Castle whenever I was let loose in the video store, and I even remember the posters that lined the inner walls. I loved all horror films, but the absolute best were the ones that gave siren calls to my inner geek by combining different monsters. Sure, Dracula movies were all well and good, and so were zombie movies, and Frankenstein thrillers, but the video covers that made me crackle with excitement were the ones that posited Dracula fighting Frankenstein’s monster, or had the Wolf-Man’s claws scratching away at the Invisible Man. (I just made that last one up. But wouldn’t it be cool?) The very idea of watching the greats face off against each other thrilled me more than anything — it was my Superbowl. The very idea was so cool that I had zero problem overlooking that these were probably some of the worst movies in the entire world, usually being late-in-the-game attempts by the studios to save multiple failing franchises. But vampires versus wolf-men was just…the best! I feel the need to explain my mindset, because I rented “Van Helsing” last night.

I also rented “Dawn of the Dead,” and “‘Salem’s Lot,” at least the first of which scares the bejeezus out of me every time I see it. I can take a lot of gore and horror, but if they happen to be zombies, it’s a one-way ticket on the last train to Nightmareville. At least it pushes me ever closer to recapturing that childhood tingle of excitement for the holiday, when being terrified became a pleasure, and not a response to girls in my math class. If only I can get up some pumpkins, and maybe a skeleton or two on the walls, everything will fall into place and Halloween will feel as it should…

Since I mentioned my 1985 Girlfriend in my last post, I think it's only fair that I bring up my 1983 Girlfriend in order to properly honor her memory.

There was once a television mini-series about lizard people invading our planet disguised at humans, and the resistance that fought them. Now, this was in 1983, long before I began to watch large amounts of network television, but luckily my parents managed to capture the magic on VHS. I don't know for certain how old I was when I actually watched it, but I know that seeing Dr. Juliet Parish writhing around in a white jumpsuit while being brainwashed by the alien commander Diana meant something. That scene flipped the ol' puberty switch in my brain, and it just stuck with me, floating around in my subconscious until it finally connected with whatever primitive chunk of brain controls things like survival, sex, and DVDs. Years later, I woke up in the middle of the night, and I knew what it all meant: Faye Grant was really, really hot. And I woke up completely clean, thank you.

It took years to find the entire show collected (two mini-series and a weekly), and watching it again just deepened my heart. Faye Grant inexplicably disappeared from the mainstream, despite the fact that these shows were gigantic, enormous hits at the time. With her good looks and actual talent (range is questionable when you've only seen her in one role), I can't quite understand why she didn't skyrocket into stardom. In some ways, I hope it's because she missed me too much to go on leading the Resistance. I pray now that the proposed revival of the "V" franchise goes ahead, and I get to see her one last time — and I kind of hope Diana the Visitor puts her back in the Conversion Chamber. You know, for old time's sake.

I love my girlfriend.

But I have often remarked that Deborah Foreman is my 1985 Girlfriend. That’s to say, if it were 1985, I was around the same age as Deborah Foreman, I was single, and she was single, true love would be ours; I knew this was true by the time that I was ten years old and had fallen completely in adolescent love with this actress.

I guess every young boy develops an innocent, pure, and uncomplicated crush on someone when they’re still in the formative years, before the thoughts of boobies seriously start cropping up and getting in the way of G.I. Joe adventures. Somehow, being the kind of kid that I was and fate being the kind of fate that it was, I ended up watching a lot of movies that starred Deborah Foreman. She wasn’t in a lot of reputable pictures, but ended up in a lot of genre films and lighthearted comedies that only the eighties could produce. I met her in “Real Genius,” and by the time I got all the way around to “Waxwork” and “Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat,” I was smitten. Then I hit thirteen, got boobies on the brain, and forgot about her.

It wasn’t until just this year that I rediscovered her via an endless supply of Netflix DVDs, and remembered just how big a crush I had on her. She was a perfect crush for a nine-year-old, because she was the perfect girl-next-door type; in fact, she seemed to exclusively play really nice, sweet, shy girls. Even when she was stabbing Clayton Rohner to death in “April Fool’s Day,” you could tell she was just misunderstood.

Unfortunately, Ms. Foreman suddenly retired from acting after 1991, and left all of us 1985 Boyfriends to grow up, become men, and mature with just a tinge of bittersweet sadness. Sure, we learned to love again, some of us even with real people, but it wouldn’t have been possible without the lessons that her fake romance taught us.

Sometime I’ll tell you about the 1991 Girlfriend that I had after I discovered how completely awesome breasts were.

Not much time to update at the moment, so I figured I’d make another poem:

The rain lifts a cry
So sick with dreaded bamboo
I have to go to the goddamned bank.

It’s not easy being a bad poet.

Actually, it’s really easy. I rescind the earlier comment.