I have absolutely no thoughts on this, I guess because I want to be the most excited man alive, but also don’t want to deal with what I have long-since referred to as “The Batman Forever Heartbreak of 1995.”
This morning, as my cloaked form swiftly darted between the shadows of Manhattan’s towers, I was suddenly stopped in my tracks; I had accidentally made eye contact with that most nefarious fellow, my nameless arch-enemy. Even after a year since our last encounter, his fiery glare betrayed his still-burning hatred for me.
It might surprise some of you that I actually have an arch-enemy. Others among you are probably wondering where to get in line to express your own burning hatred of me. If you’re one of those people, be assured I’ll get around to each and every one of you in due time. But the fact remains: I came into contact with HIM this morning. HIM works at Dunkin Donuts near where I work, and he is the only food industry employee I’ve ever gotten into a heated argument with. You see, he gave me a latte.
A latte.
But I didn’t order a latte. I ordered a large coffee. The same thing that I ordered from HIM every single weekday at the same time every single day for nearly eleven months. But, he argued in his oddly venomous voice, he very clearly heard me ask for a latte. We were fortunate that none of the witnesses to our tremendous clash called the police. And so, on that fateful morning when our special coffeemaker/consumer bond was bitterly snapped in two, we knew we would be forever locked together in hate and loathing. Although I was a loyal and dedicated Dunkin Donuts man, I walked out and never looked back — until our eyes met this morning, and he issued a defiant stare, as if to say, “Come in and order your pathetic coffee — and see what you receive!”
So, tempting fate, I pushed aside the heavy glass door and made my way down the narrow, Arabica-scented corridor. He smiled that I had accepted his challenge, baring his fanged and crooked teeth. I looked HIM dead in the eye, and said, “I’ll have a–” and then before he could react I quickly turned to his attentive coworker and finished with, “– large regular coffee, milk and sugar, please.” I smiled charmingly at the woman, who fastidiously gave me exactly what I ordered.
As I turned and left, my dark cloak swirling around me and fanning the smell of the fresh-roasted beans in my large coffee, I noticed him crushing the special latte cup he had been secretly concealing behind the counter. I smiled and sent forth a mirthless laughter that neither he, nor the other customers (especially the one with the baby), will ever forget.
Ah, the bitter scent of revenge.
It’s not very often that I actually do a pulp- or mystery-themed post, but the death of Mickey Spillane is pretty big. I’m guessing that only a handful of you will recognize the name, but Spillane was one of the top hard-boiled writers in the game, largely for his most famous creation, the violent and misanthropic detective Mike Hammer. I never thought as much of his writing as I did of Hammett’s or especially Chandler’s, but he was still one of the old-time greats. Spillane was also a sometimes actor who even portrayed Mike Hammer on film, as well as a comic book and pulp writer. He was 88.
I also have to post this, the DVD cover from my favorite Mike Hammer noir flick:
I always thought this was great — just look at the colors! I don’t know why I don’t have my own print of it.
The real reason behind the break-up:
Fuckin’ space mantis. Goddamn.
I knew I should’ve recharged my Atomo-Ray before I got into a new relationship.
Over the past year, a bunch of my blog pals have done virtually in an instant what would have taken some months and a few arbitrary court appearances in real life: they changed their names.
Their blog names, to be specific. Danny over at “Jew Eat Yet?” used to be known as Danny over at “Andy Hardy Writes a Blog,” and Sam over at “Sam-A-Rama” used to be known as the proprietor of “The Real Sam Johnson Show.” There are a few others, too, including Vince’s blog “Ramblings and Musings” which has at some point been switcherooed to “Rocker Guy Ramblings,” and even though Julie’s “Rabid Rabbits and Psycho Squirrels” is still technically titled that, she moved to her new internet home at “EvilJulie.com” so I think that counts. Some of the above-mentioned bloggers even had exciting and thrilling “Name My New Blog” contests, which were entertaining ways to break in my thesaurus!
Now, this got me thinking. I’m not planning on switching “Tales to Astonish!” to something that doesn’t include the words “Tales,” “to,” or “Astonish!” (in that order), but the ever-ominous presence of Marvel Comics is always casting a slight shadow on this here domain. In case you’re not a comics buff, here’s why:
You got it: I’m reasonably terrified that Marvel will send Giant-Man after me. Or the Hulk, but I think that I can probably outsmart him, if his sonic-smasher foot-stomps don’t do me in first. I’d just tell the Hulk that there are some free Hostess-brand Snack Cakes somewhere “over there” (pointing off into the distance opposite of where I planning on running to) and if my 1970s-era comicbook advertisement research doesn’t fail me, he will be totally unable to resist the golden cake and sugary cream of the dessert treats. Giant-Man is a strict vegan, so I’d have to find some kind of really tasty soy product to lure him away with, but those are slightly more rare than fatty snack cakes.
Anyway, in the extremely unlikely event that the rights-holders for the “Tales to Astonish” magazine decide to come down on me for creating a completely unrelated but identically-titled blog, I’d like to have a back-up name handy. With that in mind, I offer you the opportunity to take part in…
THE FIRST ANNUAL ‘NAME THIS BLOG’ NON-CONTEST!
It’s a non-contest (“nontest”?) because I’m not actually changing the name of this blog, and also because there’s absolutely no prize, other than the joy of looking up synonyms for “astonish.” But don’t discount that, ’cause that’s pretty fun.
How about “Thrilling Tales!” “10-Cent Adventure!” I could go on for days!
“The Retropolitan’s Hall of Mystery!” I like that one.