Tales to Astonish!

It’s been a little while since I jumped into the world of Stephen King, but Saturday’s fog inspired me to turn out the lights, fire up the jack o’lantern, and watch Frank Darabont’s big-screen adaptation of King’s novella “The Mist.” I haven’t read the book since around 1993, so even my best memories of the original story are hazy and dreamlike. I’m pretty sure it involves Scarlet Johanssen and Natalie Portman making out. In mist. If that’s the case, the Darabont version was taking some major liberties.

In this less sexy version, Drew-Struzan-like painter David Drayton and his little son end up trapped in a small supermarket as a heavy white fog descends upon the town. At first, no one is sure if it’s a toxic pollution cloud or what, but soon enough a man runs into the store, covered in blood. His message: YOU GUYS. OH NOES! Apparently, the blood on his clothes belongs to his pal, and his pal now belongs to the stomach of something that was lurking out there in the dense fog. No one really believes his improbable rantings, until David and a small group of men see Norm the bagboy get dragged out of the loading dock by tentacles.

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It’s been a while since I actually rented any videos, but it’s always been a special treat for me to wander through the halls of Hollywood Video. I take my time, slowly and carefully reading the name of every title on the shelf, because eventually I know that I’m going to find one just like this:

Alternate titles that were considered: “He Am Legend,” “The Omega Gentleman,” and “The Final Man on Earth.” Sometimes you really have to admire their chutzpah. Or their legal department.

Also, I bet this one has a better ending than its $150-million counterpart.

EDIT: The same company also released “Snakes on a Train” and “The Da Vinci Treasure.”  I think there is some kind of genius at work here, although I can’t tell if it’s good or evil.

You’re goddamned right:

IT’S MONSTER SQUAD DAY!

After waiting for TWENTY years — that’s right, two-zero — my beloved Monster Squad has finally been released in a reasonable format, in WIDESCREEN, with a crapload of extra features. I don’t know how many of you have actually seen this movie, but if you haven’t, you’ve probably gone through life feeling like something special was missing from the world, a little void that should be filled with love and godliness. I am here to tell you that that empty space just so happens to be perfectly Monster Squad-shaped. My friends, that is no coincidence.

This movie is what happens when these guys try to take over the world:

And the only ones who can stop them are The Goonies Monster Squad:

This movie is basically The Goonies, but with monsters and much more awesomeness. If you haven’t seen either of these movies, then I suggest you restructure your life around the goal of seeing both of them. Cancel meetings, get divorces, whatever. Monster Squad is the truly important thing. It fulfills all needs.

Also: I dated the Mummy’s niece! SERIOUSLY. I knew there was something special about the girl when I met her, but I didn’t know that we were cosmically linked by Monster Squad.

Go. Purchase. Change your life.

That’s right, gang, I’m workin’ like a crazy man this week, so I don’t know when (or if) I’ll get a chance to post anything.  Or at least anything worth reading.  I’ll be back as soon as I can.

In the meantime, here’s the opening credits to the 1980 Terence Hill film Super Fuzz:

SUPER SUPERRRRRRR!

There’s some crazy stuff in that movie.  Seriously.

Sometimes you start to write a post, and then it ends up going someplace exciting and unexpected! I’ll be back tomorrow with it after some more research. For now, I offer: