Tales to Astonish!

Note 1: The path was segmented into three different-colored legs so it would be easier to follow when it got convoluted. The proper order is: red, pink, then purple. Also, you can click on the map to see a larger version that’s probably easier to read.

Note 2: I only have a vague recollection of the film.

WARNING: HERE THERE BE SPOILERS!

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THIS JUST IN: the teen pregnancy rate in the US has risen for the first time since the mid-nineties. Obviously, many of our nation’s well-meaning but misguided ‘abstinence-only’ sex ed programs aren’t working. On the other hand, many parents are hesitant to promote “safe sex” over “no sex,” fearing that it’ll actually teach kids to have even more “makin’ it” sessions after math class. But fear not, true believers! I have a solution: make all 12-year-olds watch David Cronenberg’s The Brood. (For those of you that aren’t familiar with the film, it’s pretty basically a documentary about what giving birth in Canada is like.)

Barring actual repeat screenings of the film, I think a few well-placed posters would also do the trick. I actually made a sample one to share with all of you:

I like doing my civic duty.

EDIT:

We’ve all seen the poster. Outline Man hugging Outline Woman. His arms wrapped tightly around her from behind, pulling her closer to him, close against his body. Her lips are parted. The anticipation is almost unbearable; you could cut the sexual tension with a knife. A knife that she should’ve used to cut her steak into much smaller pieces.

Is this a scene from my last super-hot date? A hint of the adults-only version yet to come? No. This is… the Heimlich Maneuver, the world’s hottest maneuver that isn’t listed in the Urban Dictionary. It brings the sexy back to choking on food. Or, if you’re into auto-erotic asphyxiation, it’s just sort of like a big hug.

AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION

I see a lot of these Heimlich posters, since I tend to stare at the walls in restaurants as I eat alone because I live in Queens and no one will come visit me, and I’m often struck by the weirdly sexual nature of them. Not that my mind hasn’t progressed any since the sixth grade, but once you get the idea in your head in the first place it’s hard to get it out. I find it amusing that with all the calls to ban ‘grinding’ on the dance floors of high schools everywhere, almost every restaurant I’ve ever been in has what might appear to be instructions on how to do it doggy-style.

Also, this one made me think that, according to the conventions of mid-sixties Fantastic Four comic book art, she has INVISIBLE BOOBS.

For what it’s worth, invisible boobs are still good boobs.

Guess who shows up in the premiere issue of the newly-launched Classic Style Magazine?

You get one guess.

C’mon, guys, this is an easy one.

GODDAMMIT NO IT ISN’T TODD.

EDIT: This is the image of me that they ran, for those that are curious.