Tales to Astonish!

Happy V-Day, everybody! I wrote a poem for the occasion. Forgive me if my skills are a little rusty, though, since I haven’t written a poem since I ran with Ginsberg and the boys. Ahem:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
May you find someone to love,
Or at least someone to do.

Thank you.  Now go get laid.

Note 1: The path was segmented into three different-colored legs so it would be easier to follow when it got convoluted. The proper order is: red, pink, then purple. Also, you can click on the map to see a larger version that’s probably easier to read.

Note 2: I only have a vague recollection of the film.

WARNING: HERE THERE BE SPOILERS!

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VALENTINE APPLICATION FORM #0001B
18 JAN 08

16-30

PLEASE FILL OUT COMPLETELY BEFORE SENDING IN

——————————————

PRELIMINARY APPLICATION QUESTIONS:

16. HAVE YOU EVER USED THE WORD “SUPPOSABLY” IN A SENTENCE? Y/N

17. WOULD YOU LISTEN TO MUSIC FROM THE 1920s AND 1930s WITH ME? Y/N

18. ___ COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN? Y/N

19. OLIVES: TASTY TREATS OR THE MARBLES OF SATAN?

20. WE ARE STRANDED ON A REMOTE DESERTED ISLAND WITH LITTLE HOPE OF RESCUE. WHICH MONKEY COMEDY WERE WE THOUGHTFUL ENOUGH TO HAVE BROUGHT WITH US? CIRCLE YOUR ANSWER.

A. EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE
B. ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN
C. GOING APE!
D. DUNSTON CHECKS IN

21. DO YOU THINK THAT JOANIE ACTUALLY LOVED CHACHI? Y/N

22a. WHICH ONE OF THESE THINGS HAS THE UNKNOWN STUNTMAN NEVER DONE?

A. BEEN ON FIRE WITH SALLY FIELD
B. GONE FAST WITH A GIRL NAMED BO
C. BEEN BLOWN UP FOR RAQUEL WELCH
D. BEEN HIT BY SONDRA LOCKE

22b. WHEN HE ENDS UP IN THE HAY, IT’S ONLY HAY, A-HEY HEY? T/F

23. SOMETIMES FAMILY MEMBERS PASS AWAY. SOMETIMES THEY RETURN FROM THE GRAVE AS FLESH-EATING GHOULS. DO YOU GIVE ME A CONDOLENCE CARD FOR ONE OR BOTH OCCASIONS?

24. EVERYONE KNOWS COREY HAIM AND COREY FELDMAN. CAN YOU NAME THE LESSER-KNOWN BUT EQUALLY MAGNIFICENT THIRD COREY?

25. I USE THE WORD “AWESOME” FAR TOO OFTEN. WHAT WOULD YOU SUGGEST AS A REPLACEMENT?

26. I WANT TO SWEEP YOU OFF YOUR FEET WITH THE KIND OF GRAND GESTURES AND THRILLING ROMANCE THAT HAVE NEVER OCCURRED OUTSIDE OF THE MOST FANTASTIC STORYBOOKS. WOULD THIS BE ALL RIGHT WITH YOU? Y/N

27. WHAT DO YOU THINK BRITNEY SPEARS MOST RESEMBLES AT THE MOMENT?

A. JAN-MICHAEL VINCENT’S CAREER CIRCA 1989
B. THE T-1000 AS IT SINKS INTO A VAT OF MOLTEN METAL
C. ROSS PEROT’S PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN RIGHT AT THE END
D. NEW YORK CITY AS DEPICTED IN “CLOVERFIELD”

28. WHAT IS THE BEST LINE EVER SPOKEN BY A KOALA THAT WALKED LIKE A MAN?

29. CAN YOU NAME THE BRAND OF SHOE THAT LOOKS LIKE A PUMP, BUT FEELS LIKE A SNEAKER?

30. LET’S MAKE OUT. Y/N

————–

All right, pencils down, class.

VALENTINE APPLICATION FORM #0002A
15 JAN 08

1-15

PLEASE FILL OUT COMPLETELY BEFORE SENDING IN

——————————————

PRELIMINARY APPLICATION QUESTIONS:

1. ARE YOU CURRENTLY SINGLE? Y/N

2. IS THERE A STANDING WARRANT FOR YOUR ARREST? Y/N

2A. IF YES, IS IT FOR SOMETHING AWESOME LIKE HANG-GLIDING OFF OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING AND LEAVING AN UNLICENSED TRAIL OF FIRE IN THE SKY? Y/N

3. IS YOUR DEFINITION OF “DATE MOVIE” UNJUSTIFIABLY BROAD? Y/N

4. HAVE YOU PURCHASED MORE THAN FIVE (5) “NOVELTY GIFT ITEMS” IN THE PAST YEAR? Y/N

5. DOES YOUR NETFLIX QUEUE CONTAIN MORE THAN 300 TITLES? Y/N

6. COMPLETE THIS STATEMENT: “_____ IS BETTER THAN HALLOWEEN.”

7. DO WE NEED NO STINKIN’ BADGES? Y/N

8. HAVE YOU EVER SUBSTITUTED DIGITS FOR LETTERS IN AN EMAIL? Y/N

9. HAND-HOLDING SHOULD NOT OCCUR UNTIL WHICH DATE? CIRCLE YOUR ANSWER.

A. FIRST
B. SECOND
C. THIRD
D. FOURTH

9A. IF YOU ANSWERED WITH B, C, OR D, ARE YOU:

A. AMISH
B. MORMON
C. LIVING IN VICTORIAN ENGLAND
D. SISSY SPACEK’S MOM IN “CARRIE”

10. WHILE SLOW DANCING, DO YOU GENERALLY LEAVE ENOUGH ROOM BETWEEN PARTNERS FOR JESUS? Y/N

11. BETTER VALENTINE’S DAY DECORATION: A) SHINY RED HEARTS OR B) JACK O’ LANTERNS?

12. WHEN YOU EAT YOUR SMARTIES DO YOU EAT THE RED ONES LAST? Y/N

13. KOALAS ARE BEST WHEN THEY: A) EAT LEAVES OR B) WALK LIKE MEN

14. DO YOU REACT VIOLENTLY WHEN REFERRED TO AS “DOLLFACE”? Y/N

15. DO YOU LIKE ME? Y/N