Tales to Astonish!

It’s been a little while since I jumped into the world of Stephen King, but Saturday’s fog inspired me to turn out the lights, fire up the jack o’lantern, and watch Frank Darabont’s big-screen adaptation of King’s novella “The Mist.” I haven’t read the book since around 1993, so even my best memories of the original story are hazy and dreamlike. I’m pretty sure it involves Scarlet Johanssen and Natalie Portman making out. In mist. If that’s the case, the Darabont version was taking some major liberties.

In this less sexy version, Drew-Struzan-like painter David Drayton and his little son end up trapped in a small supermarket as a heavy white fog descends upon the town. At first, no one is sure if it’s a toxic pollution cloud or what, but soon enough a man runs into the store, covered in blood. His message: YOU GUYS. OH NOES! Apparently, the blood on his clothes belongs to his pal, and his pal now belongs to the stomach of something that was lurking out there in the dense fog. No one really believes his improbable rantings, until David and a small group of men see Norm the bagboy get dragged out of the loading dock by tentacles.

Read more »

CLINT HOWARD

A USED TOYOTA PRIUS

SIX BLUE LIGHTSABERS

THE COMPLETE FIFTH SEASON OF “I LOVE LUCY”

GORILLAS

PEOPLE THAT SUPPORT RON PAUL

A BEDAZZLER AND ASSORTED RHINESTONES

THE OWL FROM CLASH OF THE TITANS

MR. MISTER

RON PAUL

Note 1: The path was segmented into three different-colored legs so it would be easier to follow when it got convoluted. The proper order is: red, pink, then purple. Also, you can click on the map to see a larger version that’s probably easier to read.

Note 2: I only have a vague recollection of the film.

WARNING: HERE THERE BE SPOILERS!

Read more »

It’s been a while since I actually rented any videos, but it’s always been a special treat for me to wander through the halls of Hollywood Video. I take my time, slowly and carefully reading the name of every title on the shelf, because eventually I know that I’m going to find one just like this:

Alternate titles that were considered: “He Am Legend,” “The Omega Gentleman,” and “The Final Man on Earth.” Sometimes you really have to admire their chutzpah. Or their legal department.

Also, I bet this one has a better ending than its $150-million counterpart.

EDIT: The same company also released “Snakes on a Train” and “The Da Vinci Treasure.”  I think there is some kind of genius at work here, although I can’t tell if it’s good or evil.

I was thinking about this on the train this morning. I won’t be brash enough to claim that this is a universal thing, but I think I may have discovered a new law of vampire films:

The longer a vampire’s fangs are, the less likely I am to take him seriously as a villain.

On the other hand, if they’re too short, I also won’t take them very seriously. I guess it’s sort of like a bell curve. A parabola of chompers, if you will. The “Uncanny Valley” of desanguination.

Honestly, if a vampire can’t close its mouth because its fangs are too damn big, I doubt that it can do much more than uncontrollably drool on me. At that point, it’s basically just fisticuffs between me and a dude that needs dental work, and I’d just smack them in the lower lip, which, quite frankly, is probably already severely wounded. It’d be basically the same as beating up pale people with lockjaw, just like I did for fun back in middle school.

EDIT: Case in point:

I swear, this movie must have had a PA dedicated solely to wiping the drool off of her chin.